Saturday, April 23, 2005
sometimes i wonder. whether it ever occur to you tt there's such a stupid girl like me waiting for a nonchalant guy like you.
everytime i think about the past. all the memories jux rush back all at once without a warning. something that i cant stop. in the past, my emotions and practically my everything evolves around you. when you are happy, i will be too.. but whenever you aint feeling good, i will be at a loss. not knowing what to do. not knowing how to comfort you. the feeling just gets so fustrating when im helpless. you always seem so near and yet so unreachable. i dont have an explanation why i cant stop loving a guy like you. a guy as indifferent like you. try as i might. i cant. its going to be a year. that day i started loving you is coming. so near so near.
i was really mad at you when i knew the reason why you were ignorin me. but as time passes, the anger just faded and the love continued to flow through my heart. we were back as friends cause that was all that you want and thats all we can be in order to be in contact.
though i never got the chance to say all this to you. i guess you already knew. just that you never wanted to do anything about it. whenever you are sweet to me, im hurt in a way. cause it just so reminds me that nothin i do can bring us back to the times when we were so close. so close yet never together. sigh* i always tell myself to let go of the past but all along im just suppressing it deep down my heart. one day when i really cant hold it anymore. my heart may just break into many small pieces. never to be mended back again.
im always the kind of miss independent in people's eyes. maybe they never did know me well enough. i dont like to explain further as to whether i am or not. cause explaination always seems to be redundant. i dont like to judge people the way they look or through their actions. cause i will never know wat they are thinkin deep down inside.
i guess today is the extreme. im so lonely.. so so so so lonely. thats why i can no longer stand it. i got to find somewhere to speak out. im realli goin to burst. argh~ all these are what i want to tell that somebody so much. but i never had the guts or chance. i didnt want to break the friendship. silence is golden perhaps. but its quite contradicting that im sayin all this out here.
do you have any idea whats the feeling when you really want to tell that someone how you feel about him ? esp when he asks you. yet you cant tell him anything.. cause you are scared. sigh* i know i know. im just a coward. i admit it. =(
waiting is such a torture. in the past... present.. and perhaps the future too..
