about the girl.

Monday, June 30, 2008

alrights.
i never knew my blog was such a popular space for open-discussion.
i don't advertise it on friendster & my msn's the only place friends can know 'bout my blog
but apparently whatever i say here gets out to the whole world evidently.
apparently my life after the breakup is quite a hot topic everywhere.

"SI Q-MO", think i dont know you're reading NOW!
i was finding the han yu pin yin for CURLY hair in hokkien so there you go.
like i told andy & wee kee, you will definitely see YOUR NAME here.
you know who you are unless you want me to spell out your name,
you're IN A NEED of language lesson!
want to know why? ask me the next time you see me.
maybe my "killing aura" will kill you the next time.
haha.

----------------

damn!
it doesn't feels good when ugly facts starts showing up now & then,
when you feel yourself calming down.
how could you ever imagine when you try patching things up with your bf under his block 3 days after the breakup,
and only to find him telling you how lousy you were & *BANG*
a girl is upstairs in his room waiting for him for whatever the god-damned reason i wont ever want to know
and he never told you that part.
you found out yourself 3 weeks later.
i felt like i just got slapped twice across the face & my heart cringed when i think back about it,
apparently i've been thinking about this matter & it only confirmed yesterday.
i should say this is the 3rd slap i got.

do you want me to get angry so that you'll feel better and not so guilty anymore?
damn.
are you happy now ? happy that you kicked me into hell again & again.
but never mind that, i'll get out of it no matter what.
stop letting me know more uglier facts that you've done & ruin the image i had of you for 2 years.
it is just getting worse.

---------------------------

it's wee huat's birthday today so....
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY CLASSMATE!!!
after a day of continuous work from 830am-1230am,
headed down to Bt Batok Home Team NS chalet
(ought to mention he book that place 'cause most of us stay in the west),
the duo (biggy ears & lye lye) is finally back from redang,
miss them ALOT,
and so the trio of us & weekee had like 2 hrs of open-discussion on lots of things,
theories, propaganda on R/S, you name it we have it,
not to forget him killing many ants so they could reincarnate faster
before we had like hours of gambling over there and only left at 7am this morning,
i lost like 20 bucks ?
gosh! i got to mention that whoever said that "you wont get lucky if you're happily in love"
is SO DAMN WRONG.
because it doesn't work this way.
im just unlucky in ALL WAYS, whether im happily in love or not,
i am still UNLUCKY.

back to monday.
gloomy day.

-Signed Off @ 12:42 AM

Friday, June 27, 2008

i'm keeping quiet.

doesn't mean i don't have any emotions.

i just rather keep to myself.

and i don't like being treated like a fool.

-Signed Off @ 11:58 PM

Thursday, June 26, 2008

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running in her mind.
When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you'll still be around.
When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.
When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you're lying.
When a girl lays on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl says "I Love You", she means it.
When a girl says "I Miss You", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

you just never knew...

and you say you understood me.

-Signed Off @ 1:16 AM

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

i would trade for anything (not that i've much left)
TO GET RID OF THIS GOD DAMNED COUGH THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING FOR 2 FREAKING WEEKS!!!!!

it is SO irritating
that i can't sleep well at night,
can't concentrate on my work/projects
'cause i'm always so drowsy & groggy from the effects of the medicine.

I NEED MY GOD-DAMNED REST!!!!

----------------

XY is probably enjoying herself with alvin & charlene at Afarmosa Malacca,
biggy ears & lye lye will be going to redang tmr without me =(
no choice! no money, no leave plus project datelines.
jealous lar! LOL!
but have lots of FUN okays and play on my behalf !

-Signed Off @ 10:47 PM

no idea if it is a good or bad thing to hear friends praising me that i look eeriely normal again
even after the 2nd hard blow.
on the other hand, i see their anger rising every minute after they knew what happened,
but it only shows how much they cared.
i couldn't believe i could actually laugh it off nowadays when we're talking 'bout stuffs like this.

so i guess it's a good thing isn't it ?
emo days better go far far and never come back again.
thank you for making me numb & even stronger than before.

recently's not a very good season for L.O.V.E,
'cause breakups are happening everywhere i go,
quarrels & squabbles here and there,
friends getting worried over friends' problems
and
everybody just seems so E.M.O...
its not just the girls,
guys do have their emotional side which they rather keep to themselves and never speak up.
EGO.
time to swallow it.

someone's getting better with his capability to make me laugh the moment i picked up the phone & see his nonsense funny replies,
i bet i looked foolish.
it's just nice to forget the bad things once a while,
and enjoy the small lil' things that makes you feel alot better,
small lil' conversations that can just lighten up your day so easily,
laughing at how we get so troubled over other friends' problems & dicussing how to solve it,
talking 'bout nothing except nonsense and debating about winning & losing over nothing,
that's what i'm doing!
to that someone who's always "patient", "free" & entertaining,
you'll never read this but thank you! =)

-------------
special dedication by biggy ears to "my history"
she says it is so applicable to me right now and i was laughing when i heard the lyrics,
i never took notice of the lyrics before this.

"Take a Bow"

Ohh, how about a round of applause,
Yeah, standin' ovation,
Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

You look so dumb right now,
Standin' outside my house,
Tryin' to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin',
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin',
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin', But it’s over now (but it's over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone),
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on (come on),
Talkin’ 'bout girl, I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like the re-run,
Please, what else is on.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not (mmm),
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught (mmm),
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin',
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin',
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin',
But it’s over now (but it's over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh.

And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you),
For makin' me believe that you could be faithful to me,
Let's hear your speech out,
How about a round of applause,
A standin' ovation.

But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin',
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin',
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin',
But it’s over now (but it's over now),
Go on and take a bow.

But it's over now.

-Signed Off @ 10:04 PM

OH MY GOD.

i can't believe marketing's gonna kill me in just a matter of days.
dateline's on friday but not even 1/4 is complete.
i really have NO idea how to start,
because i don't understand it at all.

PLEASE SAVE ME!
How the hell am i gonna do a power point presentation on "The Line"
with all the PEST, SWOT, BSG, 5 Forces & marketing strategies.
it's a torture.

my sis says my table finally look like a REAL studying table,
with books & 2 laptops,
and not piled up with clothes & misc stuffs.
haha.

-Signed Off @ 12:16 AM

Monday, June 23, 2008

i am just lost & confused earlier on.
not knowing why i am so angry,
am i angry that the betrayal that happened even before the breakup ?
or am i angry 'bout you pushing all the blame on me & not telling me the truth?
or am i angry that i finally learnt 'bout the truth 3 weeks later not from you nor my sister but from somebody else on that exact same day you passed on the msg to my sis (the one who trusted you the most)?
but you left out the important detail that your heart changed even before the breakup.
or am i actually angry with myself for listening to my heart & telling myself all this while that you'll never ever leave me for another girl?

after 2 days of thinking yet again,
after the anger & confusion starts going away,
finally my brain starts to take control over my heart.
and i finally got through another tough stage.
i feel so much more relieved learning the truth,
knowing that i no longer have to continue blaming myself for everything that had happened.
i can finally be FREED of guilt.

they always says that the ultimate truth of the breakup usually appears weeks/months after,
i say it's true.
it only means you have to get used to it.

and it's the friends i have thats pulling me away from hell that i fought so hard to get out of.
i won't know how to express how happy i am to have my friends.
friends whose heart hurts when they see me sad and teared,
friends who will stay on with me when i just went through another hard phrase of life,
friends who feels happy for me when they learnt that i've become stronger yet again,
friends who will bitch around with me 'bout all the bad things that had happened and laugh it off.
yah, not forgetting my dumb dumb sis too.

and you're not here as you once promised.
but now, i do know that promises are meant to be broken.
the things you said or did no longer matters,
because it didn't came through and it appears to be just "words".

i look at you now,
and i start to wonder who is the one not listening to his heart,
and who is being influenced by other people's words.
loneliness isn't an excuse,
and you can blame it on me but ultimately one day you will realise.
it's your decision and i respect that,
i just don't want you to regret in years to come.

now i only know that i'll love myself even more,
knowing that i don't have to change myself just to fit into another person's life,
and freedom's filling up my space of life.
plus my friends can't keep worrying 'bout me isn't it ?

no more anger,
means no more vengence thoughts.
no more pitiful looks from other people,
now that i know the truth,
i can feel my feet's light.
no more hatred,
it will only means that love's fading away.

and one last thing,
it was a good thing you couldn't meet me today.
because you no longer have the need to know what's in the content of the 2nd letter to you.

i woke up this morning to see a sms from someone unexpected
and that someone's who's not very good with his real-life speech have been of great help improving my mood too, through being so much more expressive in his sms-es.
though i don't really appreciate him calling me "gullible" and asking me to be "wiser" next time.
but the funny things he said really made me laugh hard.
haha! people must dare to love and dare to hate ?

and i do appreciate it when my friends tells me that its ok to nag sometimes and i will feel so much better plus im gonna break down if i kept everything to myself.

So this shall marks the end of all the emo entries for now alrights!
hearts all. =D

-Signed Off @ 9:07 PM

Sunday, June 22, 2008

believe in karma,
though the numbers doesn't match.

regrets.
not a single bit left.

betrayal.
the worst thing that can happen.

trust.
treated like rubbish.

love.
let's see.

hatred.
a tad bit overwhelming.

-Signed Off @ 7:17 PM

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

projects' KILLING me.
bit by bit.
gosh! how i hate school life with lots of projects.

marketing project's due next friday and we just barely started.
hardly know anything linked to what we're going to do.
OH MY GOD!!!!
now i kinda hate marketing. =(

lucky biz mgmt's lecturer's pretty slack.
So dateline got extended till the following week's tuesday i think?
anyway, that project's much easier.
So, i shall not bother with it YET.

well, fel...
what can i say ? i totally understand how you feel now, really.
no matter how much others gonna comfort you or how you keep yourself pre-occupied,
you're still gonna get emo again once you're alone and you're really the only one who's gonna get yourself through this.
trust me. i really know.
keep yourself busy with something,
i chose to concentrate on my work,
i believe you can do so too.
i won't tell you to stop thinking 'cause i know you won't be able to definitely.
just remember girls can be strong too.
i know you can too,
no matter how long its gonna take.

-Signed Off @ 11:53 PM

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

MAKES ME LAUGH NON-STOP.
that i NEARLY die of laughter.

it's PERMED.

and i think she's SO GONNA KILL me when she sees this.
but i still wanna laugh.

OK lar!
considering the tigger cup with chocolates & sweets in it you bought from malaysia's Famous Amos,
i shall quit laughing for now until you get it straight again.
HEH HEH~

see? i got a "sweet" lil sis.
HEH HEH

-Signed Off @ 10:42 PM

Monday, June 16, 2008

today's a special day.
i had a good "talk" with chermaen (my credit mgr who pulled me up to accts),
and her words struck me hard.
real hard!
and i feel like a weight on my head & heart have been unloaded.
I feel so light & happy!

i am lucky to have a good supervisor who tolerates my nonsense without complaints,
eg. last minute informing sick/taking leave, approving my leave even though it's month end
& during the busy period.
i felt really guilty.
i am lucky to have helpful colleagues who always helps to clear my work when i'm not around.
i am lucky i have an understanding manager who though nags at me very often,
but she just wants to get things done fast and she knows how to appreciate staffs and make them feel wanted.
though there are office politics flying here & there,
overall, AR & Credit is still a family probably with just some naggings here & there sometimes.

anyways, back to my point.
i've decided that i should stop mourning over this breakup.
because the world still goes on & time won't stop just because of you.
even if you are gone, the world still moves on without you.
chermaen shared with me her past and told me things that i knew deep down in my heart,
but i wasn't listening hard to my own heart then.
she said "if it's meant to be yours, it will be yours one day.
If not, no point waiting for it, because if you beg him to come back, he still wont love you as before and maybe his heart soften for a while but eventually another breakup will come along & you've to go through the same old shit"
So why not give both of you some time to think whether he's the ONE.
the ladies nowadays of the 21st century are independent enough not to depend on guys anymore,
not like the past when women are just small & tiny hiding behind guys.
Now women can be as strong as a man, and we're EQUALS.
she also said "if a guy tells you that he sees no future in the both of you, it means probably the feelings for you have faded to the point that he can give up the relationship instead of giving you more time & see you change. If he really loved you, he won't have gave up, he would have talked things out with you no matter how tired he is from all those waiting. So it's either this or he found another better girl and you're just not as good in his eyes anymore"
I believe his feelings faded rather than he found another girl.
Though i think i'll never ever forget the words " I don't see a future in us anymore".
It still hurts but not as before.

Because from today onwards, you guys don't have to worry 'bout me anymore.
I AM BACK!
as strong and independent as before.
probably even stronger. No more depending on guys/ promises.
Now, i just want to concentrate on work, school, friends & family.
i want to turn back to the old michelle who used to work so hard and feels responsibility weighing heavily on her shoulder that she didn't even dare take MCs even when she's real sick.
and just because she wasn't in-charge anymore, she became slack.
but now I won't let my mgr or supervisor down anymore,
for MYSELF and no one else,
i will work HARD. study HARD. Real Hard.
No more MCs i hope.
weekends at banquet will just be plainly working for $$,
even though people tends to look at me in a different light as to why i went back to do P/T
when i am already working at accts. To some of them, it seems degrading. To me, it's nothing.
It's just another way of earning $$ and i am not ashamed in any way,
i started off with banquet so why should i feel shameful?
when i'm wearing a suit, they look up to me.
when i'm wearing the capt's uniform, they look down on me.
like wtf.
It's OK.

as for him, i'll just say time will pass and if we're meant to be, we will be together once more.
If not, i wish the next girl who comes along will treasure you more.
the previous post 'bout the time limit is not effective anymore,
there won't be any time limit anymore,
because you've already moved on for your own good,
and now's my turn to move on for myself.
no more guilt.

we will still be friends.

So friends, quit telling me to take the initiative to talk things out.
I tried & it's no use pushing things.
What is meant to be yours will be yours.
now i truly understands the meaning.

-Signed Off @ 10:27 PM

Sunday, June 15, 2008

i really don't know what else i can do.
i maximise my time out just to stop thinking even to the point of sleeping as little as possible even when i'm sick.
i work like mad for 16.5 hrs today when i'm coughing like mad
with everybody asking me to go home & rest,
but all i want is just to work my way through, keep myself busy & STOP THINKING.

everybody's wondering why i went back to bqt to work part time,
it is just to earn some cash 'cause i'm really broke after the phuket trip.
in additional, i want myself to be able to keep my calm even when seeing him,
i thought i managed it well today,
but thinking back again,
i failed again when i msged him...
though i hate to admit it but i still miss him.
i know it's what i've to go through but it's still hard to take it.

alvin ask me to think 'bout it,
even though i've been thinking 'bout it ever since the breakup.
but no matter how much i think,
it's just not gonna work out because it takes 2 hands to clap
and mine alone isn't helping.

i guess i've to set a time limit,
by end of the month if nothing else changes,
and he still wants to be left alone.
then i shall give up.
it will really marks the end & i'll just take it slow and be friends back.
but it will only be friends and nothing more from then on.

exactly half a month more.

-Signed Off @ 3:50 AM

Thursday, June 12, 2008

shin quoted a phrase from Sex & the City.
"you will need half of the time that you dated the guy to get over him"

it seems to be quite true.
i guess it means i need 1 year to get my life back and move on.
i'll try harder.

it's also said the when people's sick, they will tend to get emotional.
i think it's true again.
because it's happening to me again.

JJ somehow hit my soft spot last night with what he said.
"Michelle is always fierce to all her friends but always sweet to her bf"
set me thinking that perhaps he's the only one who thinks so,
because if i am like what he said,
the outcome would not have became like this.

it's time to change the blogskin.
because the things i hear & see 'bout you still triggers something in me & stir my heart,
no matter how much i want to stop it.

to all my dear friends,
i know things will get better eventually.
i know this is a passing phrase of life that i have to go through once again.
i know i am being weak now but i'll look back one day and probably laugh at myself for being foolish.
i know that eventually i'll become strong and immune again.
i know that i might not be able to love again.
but i know that you all will always be here... =)

to jojo my banana,
yes i am a ardent fan of your blog & i read the entry dedicated for me.
don't worry. i will get stronger again.
and be the strongest once again in everybody's heart.
=)

-Signed Off @ 4:52 PM

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

i really have no idea what to blog & really have the feeling of closing it.

because if i blog 'bout happy things, people say i've gotten over it so soon
it also means that i am a HEARTLESS & COLD-BLOODED creature.

and if i blog 'bout me feeling sad & mourning over the past, people say i should move on & be strong,
it also means i should let time heal.

so what should i blog about ?

MICH!
you should just STOP WHINING & GET YOUR LIFE BACK.
& STOP caring 'bout how others will criticise you & MOVE ON.

yes i know i know.

-Signed Off @ 1:07 AM

Monday, June 09, 2008

just told my mum 'bout the breakup.
trying hard to hold back the tears
when she's telling me that i should self-reflect on myself when we were still together

i guess you should be happy that my mum says you're a nice guy.
but i don't want to keep getting reminded how lousy i was.

whats the point of blogging when i no longer can blog 'bout how i feel anymore...

-Signed Off @ 7:46 PM

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

ok! I AM IN PHUKET!
well, most probably know by now.
CRAZY i guess but lucky i have leng here with me now watching sex & the city beside me.
it's a super last minute decision but yes, i have her to accompany me.

1st day was thai fried rice that taste fabulous and half-naked girls or probably just ladyboys dancing around guys who just grope at whatever they can.

2nd day at phuket and i'm leading a luxury life,
slacking the days through with the sea, sun and sand.
2nd thai massage in 2 days is good!

but i just realised that my whole body's sore and aching,
and the masseur actually press so hard on my legs that the area that was aching is blue-black now.
alright. we're probably hitting bangla road where the bars and nightlife are later.
but we just enjoy the comfort of the awesome room we have now..

did i mention about having a private jacuzzi at the balcony of our room?=D

i know i am fortunate to have friends around me who cares.
i always knew actually. comforting words do count. thanks. =)

-Signed Off @ 11:25 PM

Monday, June 02, 2008

等你等到了冬季

雪飘进了我眼里

我试图去寻找爱情

和我们之间的关系

套上了你的毛衣

心更加冻结成冰

如果我先放弃爱情

我的痛会不会变得不药而愈

看伤心不能痊愈

我始终相信爱你的勇气

明明说好是两个人一起去的旅行

怎么剩下我一个人欣赏孤寂

看伤心慢慢痊愈

我会好好地安慰我自己

宁愿相信你只是突然改变了决定

去了另一个美丽城市

也等着我入境

-Signed Off @ 8:48 PM

i am still leaving for phuket in 13 hours time.

time to get away and sort things out.

i want to come back fresh & concentrate on working.

no more crying. no more tears.

i wont lie that i am alright now but i will be as time goes by.

probably i will look back in a few months or years time to look at these entries
and be thankful i've been through and got over it.

part and parcel of life.
see you all when i am back.

-Signed Off @ 7:52 PM

30 May 2008 marks the end.
i hope everything could work out in the end so i avoided seeing people that knew the both of us.
only till yesterday, we managed to talk after days of avoiding.

yes. i do remember that day we got back together was the sweetest day of our relationship.
you showed me how to trust again,
you showed me how someone can love me so wholeheartedly,
you showed me it was okay to fall in love,
you showed me it was okay to depend on you,
you showed me what tolerance was about
you showed me my future will definitely have you,
you showed and gave me everything,
but i failed to show and love you with what i can.

i failed miserably and i shouldn't blame you for letting go and i never did.

love makes one's blind and dumb,
that i did things which i never did in the past.
numbing myself with alchohol just to make sure i could sleep without thinking anymore.
the tears have kinda dried up and i just have to force myself to stop thinking.

a phuket trip meant to make things right,
1 that you never wanted to go,
it was all along a 1-sided thing that i wanted to rekindle some things,
because you already let go long ago.

I just wants to say i am sorry.
Sorry that i failed once again.
I'll let you go and take care of myself.
1 day we might get back together,
and maybe we will never.

regrets is a tad too late
and people always have to lose it before they start cherishing it,
some get another chance,
but mine's long gone.

it's just friends for now i guess.
i hope that one day you will find the right one.

my heart broke and i finally understand how you felt in the past.
I'm sorry for everything i've done and not done.

-------------------------

thanks shin & dre for being there accompanying me for the past 2 days without sleep.
thanks to my dearest dumb sis who never fails to be with me even till 4 plus in the morning to talk.
thanks biggy ears for trying so hard to keep calling & smsing me.
thanks lye for staying with me at the loading bay that day.
thanks my banana for calling to check on me.
thanks to all the other friends i know that is really concerned.
I know most of you will wonder why i never look for you all, those that knew the both of us
it's just that i never wanted to admit that we are finished,
and i know you all will be worried and i never wanted it to be this way.
most importantly, i know i will break down once again just to say it out once more.

it's friends and family once again.

-Signed Off @ 3:27 PM