Monday, June 23, 2008
i am just lost & confused earlier on.
not knowing why i am so angry,
am i angry that the betrayal that happened even before the breakup ?
or am i angry 'bout you pushing all the blame on me & not telling me the truth?
or am i angry that i finally learnt 'bout the truth 3 weeks later not from you nor my sister but from somebody else on that exact same day you passed on the msg to my sis (the one who trusted you the most)?
but you left out the important detail that your heart changed even before the breakup.
or am i actually angry with myself for listening to my heart & telling myself all this while that you'll never ever leave me for another girl?
after 2 days of thinking yet again,
after the anger & confusion starts going away,
finally my brain starts to take control over my heart.
and i finally got through another tough stage.
i feel so much more relieved learning the truth,
knowing that i no longer have to continue blaming myself for everything that had happened.
i can finally be FREED of guilt.
they always says that the ultimate truth of the breakup usually appears weeks/months after,
i say it's true.
it only means you have to get used to it.
and it's the friends i have thats pulling me away from hell that i fought so hard to get out of.
i won't know how to express how happy i am to have my friends.
friends whose heart hurts when they see me sad and teared,
friends who will stay on with me when i just went through another hard phrase of life,
friends who feels happy for me when they learnt that i've become stronger yet again,
friends who will bitch around with me 'bout all the bad things that had happened and laugh it off.
yah, not forgetting my dumb dumb sis too.
and you're not here as you once promised.
but now, i do know that promises are meant to be broken.
the things you said or did no longer matters,
because it didn't came through and it appears to be just "words".
i look at you now,
and i start to wonder who is the one not listening to his heart,
and who is being influenced by other people's words.
loneliness isn't an excuse,
and you can blame it on me but ultimately one day you will realise.
it's your decision and i respect that,
i just don't want you to regret in years to come.
now i only know that i'll love myself even more,
knowing that i don't have to change myself just to fit into another person's life,
and freedom's filling up my space of life.
plus my friends can't keep worrying 'bout me isn't it ?
no more anger,
means no more vengence thoughts.
no more pitiful looks from other people,
now that i know the truth,
i can feel my feet's light.
no more hatred,
it will only means that love's fading away.
and one last thing,
it was a good thing you couldn't meet me today.
because you no longer have the need to know what's in the content of the 2nd letter to you.
i woke up this morning to see a sms from someone unexpected
and that someone's who's not very good with his real-life speech have been of great help improving my mood too, through being so much more expressive in his sms-es.
though i don't really appreciate him calling me "gullible" and asking me to be "wiser" next time.
but the funny things he said really made me laugh hard.
haha! people must dare to love and dare to hate ?
and i do appreciate it when my friends tells me that its ok to nag sometimes and i will feel so much better plus im gonna break down if i kept everything to myself.
So this shall marks the end of all the emo entries for now alrights!
hearts all. =D
